Tuesday, July 22, 2008

On traditional weddings

Yesterday, Jonniker wrote a post about weddings and how she doesn't tend to like traditional ones. Then she asked her readers about their own taste in weddings and got tons of comments talking about everyone's own weddings and what made them great or not great.

The whole thing got me thinking about weddings. Here's the thing, and this is nothing against Jonna or her commenters: I read all those comments with great interest, given my own circumstances at the moment, and the main tone that I got from those comments? Was one of defensiveness. And this isn't the first place I've noticed this.

It seems to me, from my limited experience, that wedding planners and wedding guests have two very different concepts of how weddings should be organized. And we have moved so far along the spectrum from the Cookie Cutter Wedding to the Personalized Wedding that people whose personalized weddings still include a lot of cookie cutter elements because that's what they like still feel compelled to defend themselves. Like the assumption is that weddings are boring and tedious and unflattering, and that every bride who walks down the aisle in a poofy white dress will eventually, in years to come, look back on her wedding and roll her eyes at what a silly decision that was, and think about how differently she would do it the next time around, if a next time were to exist.

And maybe that's true? Given that this is the only wedding I've planned, and I am very young? Perhaps 10 or 20 years from now I'll look at the pictures and think the exact same thing. And I do agree that the way the wedding industry works is very problematic, and that it's incredible how expensive weddings can be, and how difficult it can be to find reasonably priced options as soon as you mention the word "wedding" to a vendor.

But it's kind of like how when I was in college, it was cool to be struggling financially. It gave you a certain cachet, and those people who were not receiving financial aid were embarrassed to admit it. In my world, and I realize that this is not representative of the mainstream, instead of everyone wanting to throw a lavish, over-the-top, expensive wedding, it's become cooler to have a non-traditional, budget affair. It's like it shows that you haven't bought into the marketing efforts of the wedding industry, and you have your priorities in line, and also your wedding is more fun than those boring cookie cutter weddings.

I'm kind of torn about this. On the one hand, I think it's great that people are so accepting of all different kinds of weddings, and that the prevailing mindset isn't that a wedding sucks if it doesn't cost at least $40,000. But on the other hand, like stereotypes, I think that part of why cookie cutter weddings have become so mundane is because a lot of people like them, and want that same thing for themselves.

Plus, and maybe this is just people being nice? But tons of people keep telling me how excited they are for our wedding and how fabulous they think it's going to be. And to be honest? Our wedding is going to be fairly traditional. Yes, we're personalizing it--there will be purple and bratwurst and a self-written ceremony--but in the grand scheme of things, and specifically from the outside, it will look very much like a lot of other weddings. And I love weddings, so I'm totally okay with that. And our guests seem to be as well, despite this trend toward complaining about traditional weddings and wishing that every wedding took the form of a clambake/barbecue/other casual, messy, untraditional party.

So yeah, I am wearing an (off-)white, (somewhat) poofy dress on my wedding day. And damn it, I'm excited about it. I can already tell that I'm going to have a wonderful time at my wedding. And I hope that my guests do too.

45 comments:

  1. Having been through my own wedding, and attended myriad others, I can say with a certain authority that the thing to remember is that this is YOUR WEDDING. Who gives a crap what other people think or say. I know it's easier said than done, because I had my fair share of tears over countless issues when I was planning a wedding. But this is your union, your tastes, your day, and I'm sure you'll have a fantastic wedding. I, for one, can't wait to attend, just to see the love between you and Torsten. That's all that really matters!

    /end rant.

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  2. weddings ARE traditional. mine was pretty traditional (aside from our 10 minute ceremony) and we had a good time. i didn't really care what anyone else thought aside from my husband.

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  3. Maybe 20 years from now I'll think WHAT WAS I THINKING ... but even now, nearly 4 years later, I still think my wedding was gorgeous. I still hear that everyone had a good time.

    Weddings, like everything else, are what you make them. If you are determined to hate a wedding, nothing is going to change that. The wedding is a big, fancy party and you are decalring and celebrating your love in front of your family and friends.

    It's the marriage that's the hardest part ... the wedding is one day. The marriage is every day after.

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  4. I'm not engaged but because I have a uterus, I spend a significant amount of time thinking about what MY wedding will look like. And while there are a few things that I think will be unique (okay, WEIRD) about my wedding, most of the things I picture are traditional. And that's okay with me. It's all about what's okay for ME (and in this case, you) and HOM (and Torsten). Your guests will have a blast because YOU will have a blast--and that's really what they're looking forward to: sharing the fun and romance that is YOUR wedding day.

    HI, my name is [PR] and I overuse capital letters.

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  5. Well, I've been now married twice, and I can say with certainty I approached both weddings the same way: I wanted them simple, mostly traditional, but yet not ridiculously expensive because it's just ONE DAY.

    The first wedding was in a church and was very traditional. The second one was in a indoor park and we had a sand ceremony instead of the unity candle and everything was more laid back and fun, and everyone told us how it was just "us."

    So whether it's traditional or not, as long as it makes you happy, who cares what anyone else thinks!

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  6. At the risk of sounding defensive myself, I didn't in any way mean that I was deliberately eschewing a traditional wedding to be "cool" -- and I know precisely what you're talking about. It's the same people who think it's cool to say they don't eat at chain restaurants, even though sometimes the Cheesecake Factory is the BEST THING EVER. Frankly, that kind of attitude really bothers me, and it's important for me to clear that up.

    But to be honest, I didn't get a defensive air about many of the comments, either -- and I like to think that no one was saying what they said because it would be too cool to say otherwise. I was amazed and thrilled at the range of weddings -- and some people had and LOVED traditional-style weddings.

    I think a lot of people don't want a traditional wedding -- the wedding industry is VERY one size fits all, and in my first-hand experience, it's hard to break the mold without spending a shitload of money. However, that doesn't mean that there aren't plenty of people for whom a traditional wedding fits perfectly, and it doesn't matter either way -- it's all about what fits YOU and what YOU want.

    Also, the kind of wedding I wanted for myself in no way indicative of the kind of wedding I like to ATTEND. Those are two totally different things, so I have no doubt that your attendees will be thrilled to see you, and of COURSE they mean it.

    IMO, all weddings are fun, and no matter what the style, I actually think they're a really important rite of passage for everyone involved. I get a really big charge out of seeing the people I love get married.

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  7. As long as it's what you want, it will be perfect. That statement applies to every bride and groom. :)

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  8. DITTO.

    There's nothing wrong with a traditional wedding. It's what I had, but I don't think it also wasn't me. You just have to find little ways to make it your own.

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  9. It is YOUR wedding so do whatever you please! Everyone is going to have their own opinions....but the only one that matters is yours and your fiance. :-)

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  10. Traditional or Not, it's all about what YOU and Torsten want and that's all that really matters. I had a very(Catholic) traditional wedding 26 years ago and although we had the traditional cake and what not at the reception, it was more of a keg party because that's who we were! I still remember most every second of that day and night after all these years and wouldn't trade what we did for the world. (Well except maybe without the 80's big hair and floppy hats...) Do it your way and you will too!

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  11. I'm sure everyone will have fun at your wedding because they love you and Torsten and want to celebrate the beginning of the rest of your lives with you. That all I really care about for my wedding. I just want everyone to have a lot of fun.

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  12. Over the years, everyone I've talked to about their wedding will only poke fun at the styles of clothing (if the wedding was more than a few years ago).

    So far, no one has said, "oh, I wish we'd gone with the trapeeze-swinging judge instead of the traditional priest, or whatever.

    It's your wedding, you're doing what makes YOU and Torsten happy, and you will love it, even fifty years from now. So will your guests. No apologies needed for that!

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  13. We had a traditional wedding too, and really I had to make my peace with having *key elements* that were all about us and other elements I had to breathe deeply and allow to go to the demanding highly opinionated traditional family whims. And I look back on our wedding very fondly because it was a hell of a lot of fun and the key elements were those I cared most about. And looking back I don't regret it because we had those key elements and even though *we* might have thought a mountainside ceremony was the coolest thing ever, our most loved guests would have had a hard time with it, and that would have been a different kind of regret...Does that make any sense?

    Long way of saying: no wedding fits everyone's expectations perfectly and you balance things in the way that makes the most sense to you.

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  14. Our wedding was very traditional, but we found small ways to make it ours. And I agree with the other commenters that have said that your guests will definitely enjoy themselves. For me, as long as the bride and groom are happy and showing it, then I have a fabulous time. I also agree with you that "cookie-cutter" weddings (is any wedding really cookie-cutter? I think they are all a little bit different) are popular because they contain a lot of elements that people really like.

    Anyway, I think your wedding will be fabulous. And honestly, for all weddings, what matters at the end of the day is that you are married. Who cares what it all looked like as long as that's the end result?

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  15. I was fairly young when I got married (23) and knew absolutely NOTHING about weddings or planning one, but I ended up with the Perfect Wedding. By which I mean: perfect for me and my husband at that time in our lives. It was pretty traditional (and the things that weren't traditional at the reception were because we couldn't afford them). Sometimes when I'm at weddings now I think, "we should have done that!" but really, it was totally who we were at that moment in time. Which is the best you can do, right?

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  16. Weddings are a tradition, so it makes sense that most of them would be traditional. And while the weddings I've been to that I remember as my favorites were partly my favorites because there was something unique about them, really the most important thing is that all your friends and family are there and it's one big party to celebrate the start of your new life. And no matter what kind of wedding you have, you will have that. And you will love it.

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  17. I am sure your wedding will be fab! I agree with you - everyone has thier own preferences. Some people are more traditional type people. My wedding had a good mixture of both I think and it was fantastic. People really will just have fun if the bride and groom are happy and having fun. That is what it boils down to. And lots of alcohol. LOL

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  18. I feel that if you have a wedding ceremony with other people around, you're pretty much following tradition anyway so go for it. One of the reasons these traditions stick around is because they work and people like them (except for the whole putting the garter on the person who caught the bouquet thing - I really don't understand that).

    I've seen a lot of weddings. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "but it's my wedding, I don't care what they think" and all I can think is "YOU TOTALLY CARE". It's one of my biggest pet peeves with non-traditional weddings: you can't screw your guests over. I know people try to personalize it and make it their own, but um, it already is your own. The guests are there to celebrate with you. Everyone sits through the ceremony and then you all celebrate together. When I was still writing Bridehood Revisited one of the posts I kept meaning to write was "They're guests, not servants". People don't want to participate in a sing-a-long (seriously), people don't want to march down a street waving ribbons in a parade for you (general you), people also don't want to spend an hour outside in sweltering heat just because you want to be married in the sun. I've seen a lot of idiotic things done because "it's MY DAY" and I will never forget them.

    So you're probably wondering what actually makes the party? Well, I promise you this: it isn't the price tag. I've been to several weddings where the total was in the hundreds of thousands and some where the cost was under five thousand; price is a number and is not indicative of anything with the marriage. Hell, it doesn't even guarantee that the bride and groom will still be speaking to each other at the end of the night. What makes the wedding is the attitude in the room and how much fun people have. The people make it fun.

    When you ask people about the best wedding they ever attended, it was a wedding where they had "so much fun."

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  19. Sorry for my long winded comment, I obviously feel very strongly about this. Yes, I certainly do hate some cookie cutter aspects, but overall, I do like the traditional aspects of a wedding.

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  20. Hearing about your dreams and desires and how they've been incorporated into your special day have been exciting to me. Bratwurst sounds awesome!

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  21. You have to do what works for you and stick strong for that.

    For us, we felt very strongly that the 20k+ weddings are gluttonous and selfish. So we had a small, beautiful destination affair with a larger reception coming this weekend BBQ-style. The total cost for everything was under 5k including our cruise honeymoon. But despite that price tag, we got A LOT of flack. "WHAT, no bridesmaids???" "You must HATE ME to not want my cute son as your ring bearer" (no, we just didn't want a ring bearer at all), "You want to MAKE your own bouquet??" etc. etc.

    Do what you want and what makes you happy, and your day will be fabulous. But, let's face it, the marriage is the great part :)

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  22. It is your and Torston's wedding and what you decide that you two want are what is important.

    the fact that the two of you are going to glow and be happy that day will overshadow any doubt.

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  23. I've been to a lot of weddings and there are things I have loved, things I could have done without and things that I have long since forgotten. The best weddings are the ones where the bride and groom have made an effort to make sure everyone has a good time. I can't say I've ever been to a really bad wedding.

    Eleven years later I don't have any regrets about my wedding day - a traditional, yet personal affair, done on a budget.

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  24. I hear you on this one, because when the time comes, mine is going to be simple. and traditional. No crazy "ME ME ME" (or even "us us us")details, and that's just fine.

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  25. You know? Our wedding was quite traditional and quite unique. We both lived out of the country while my mother planned it. We made important-to-us decisions like walking each other down the aisle, and having 17 "flower children" (because we couldn't pick just one niece or nephew!), and having a different cake on every reception table instead of a "wedding cake". It was such a great party.

    That's what people will remember and love about your wedding. That it was "you" and fun. Traditions or funkiness aside.

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  26. The reason I love weddings so very much is because they are SO personal and reflective of the couple. For the most part the big things remain the same, but the details are what create the ambiance and give each wedding the couple's signature.

    Also, I have to disagree that you have to spend big to deviate from the norm. I say this as a wedding planner and the only reason I mention that is that I know how to get personalization without spending big because I've worked with many couples who wanted just that. You have a bit more practice as a planner than as a bride who has planned a wedding once (or maybe twice).

    Anyhow, Jess - your wedding will be the best day of your life and you will treasure it always.

    (although I don't think Jonniker was implying that traditional weddings were no good - I read the post as her sharing her opinion about weddings in general, not an attack on those who didn't share the same idea)

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  27. I think there is an evolution of both brides and guests, and depending on where you are in that evolution your tastes will vary on your wedding day.

    I had the big poufy wedding dress and the big expensive wedding and I loved it, and have many fond memories. If I was asked to "remarry" kendall now, though, my wedding would be different, but I couldn't say whether it was because I've already gotten to experience the big wedding or whether my attitudes about weddings have changed.

    As a guest, even if you've tasted the same cake 5 million times, seeing a friend or loved one have a good time never gets old.

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  28. I'd love to be able to spend a ton of money just because it would be easier. But that's not an option so we'll be budgeting and personalizing only where we really can. I agree with La... it's YOUR wedding. Do what YOU want, for YOU. I promise in 10 years the people that were there will remember it as a great day where they got to witness you marrying the love of your life, just like you will. And I think that's really all that matters.

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  29. I think that what makes the wedding is a fun group of friends and family, a non-stressed out bride, groom and family. And music. Everything else-traditional / nontraditional, budget / top-of-the-line is completely superfluous!

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  30. i read that post (and alllll the comments) yesterday with a lot of interest, too. i got the same impression as you, that while some people definitely felt a wedding should be whatever you wanted, or traditional was fine, etc etc, that there are definitely some people who appear to look down on "traditional" weddings just because they're the status quo.

    i've been to a bunch of weddings at this point, and here's my take: if the BRIDE AND GROOM are having a good time at their own wedding, it's virtually irrelevant what KIND of wedding it is. everyone will have fun if you two are having fun. because when you boil it down, it's a party - and if it's a fun party, whether it's a toga party or a cocktail party - it's still a fun party :-)

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  31. I like traditional weddings but I like when the bride/groom still have a touch of them on it too. That's so important. One girl I know is following the Emily Post etiquette book to a T and she looks miserable about it. That's not fair.

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  32. I think you hit an excellent point when you said that the traditional wedding stuff is around because it is popular and well recieved. There is a reason for that. Weddings are traditional - they incorporate those traditional elements by virtue of what they are.

    Anytime I have tried to axe a tradition - I get such an uproar from people. I know it is my day - but my goodness the outcry.

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  33. Also I just read the comments and totally seeing where you are coming from on the judging. Dude, you are not any cooler because you served drive through slurpees at your wedding. It is your day and your deal. Some people have the money and the desire to spend it - what does that matter to someone else?

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  34. I think to each their own - you're absolutely right, in ten years you might be thinking of things you would do again differently, but that's what renewing your vows are for! (Just ask my parents, they did Vegas their second time around and got married by Elvis. Priceless.)

    I can't even begin to imagine my own since I'm determined not to be preoccupied by it, but regardless, I know it'll be amazing.

    Hooray for weddings!

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  35. This is very interesting. I've never been to a wedding where I thought "oh, it was just a traditional wedding". They've all been special and unique because of the two people getting married.

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  36. Anne, I have to step in in defense of my commenters, many of whom I've known for a while, only in that I really don't think that any of them were intentionally judging anyone else or thought they were cooler than anyone. I really don't. I think a lot of what people see as defensiveness probably IS defensiveness based on what they had to go through to have the wedding they wanted.

    I remember being oddly defensive about the fact that I didn't want ice sculptures or ... something else, I can't remember, because my in-laws thought that they were REQUIREMENTS of a traditional wedding. I know that sounds so utterly ridiculous, because who decided ICE SCULPTURES are a nuptial necessity? My mother in law, apparently.

    My guess is that when people said they wanted to have fried chicken/Slurpees/whatever that a lot of people jumped all over them and said how stupid it would be, even though it was what they wanted to do, and wouldn't HURT anyone.

    They're probably proud of their weddings and that people are still talking about it because EVERYONE told them it wouldn't work. That's my guess. I know when I tried to go the clambake route, people were all OMFG NO. NO NO NO. When in reality, I think I could have done it.

    The bottom line, I think, is this: do whatever you want, within reason, as long as you're respectful to both your family and your guests, and most importantly, yourselves.

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  37. Whatever kind of wedding anyone has should only matter to the bride and groom. I once went to a wedding in a motorcycle/car repair shop and the car lift was the alter the bride and groom stood under. They loved it and we had a good time and I think that's what was important.

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  38. You took the words right out of my mouth. I have had the beginnings of this post sitting in draft for so long. Everything we've chosen we've chosen because we want it, or because we think it will make our guests happier. A lot of what we've chosen is pretty traditional, and some is less traditional. It's not a budget wedding, but it's not a blowout either.

    I've spent a lot of time, since I was 15 or so, trying to figure out whether it was cooler to conform or not to, and all that, and I did eventually realise that it's better to be me. Sometimes being me means buying into popular culture, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes intellectual, sometimes fluffy... All OK.

    So anyway, thank you!

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  39. Just commenting to say that you make a lot of sense (in this post and, well, always).

    I'm pretty sure I'm going to do the budget-ey thing (when I ever do it), but more out of personal beliefs and preferences toward where else to put the money than anything else. I really think that everyone should just pick what's right for them and move on.

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  40. I loved both my weddings (to the same man too :p) I loved the crazy-cut-out-of-a-movie-esqe Las Vegas wedding with a stretch limo and everything. And I loved the fantabulous country wedding with all our family and friends a year later. Obviously with the latter I had a lot more say in how it played out, it still had a lot of traditional bits- white dress, being walked down the aisle eh gravel driveway by my dad, bridesmaids etc etc... But it was still our wedding and incorporated all the elements that we wanted most of all. Then we just had fun, and it looked like most of our guests had lots of fun too. That was what really mattered.
    So just have fun with it!

    Enjoying the wedding is I think 90% of the experience- screw what other people might think- be true to your selves.

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  41. A lot of the time, I almost feel like I am being made feel a little guilty to want to have a wedding in the first place! I know it is just a "silly tradition", etc, but, dammit, I want one! And I don't want a budget one, either! I don't want a massive one, but I don't want only 25 people in a backyard. Hmph.

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  42. I'm sorry I missed all of this fun!!

    The goal with our wedding was to throw a kick ass party, which we did. People to this day talk about how much fun it was. And it was grand. And totally traditional with the white gown and church ceremony and father/daughter dance etc. Like Shauna said....it was just "us".

    Bottom line--every wedding is different but also, kind of the same. Different in how it all goes off, but the same in that the theme is the commitment of 2 people. And that's what should be on everyone's mind.

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  43. My friends and schoolmates were the exact same way. People bragged (and sadly, still do) on what treasures they could find at Goodwill, especially if they were envied by others.

    My wedding is going to cost approximately $5,000. But because we need money to eat and what not when we are actually married. Not because we're trying to be cool. The good thing about this is that it reminds me to have a personal touch about everything and not get swept away in the wedding madness. That's definitely a good thing :)

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  44. I read that post more like, "Isn't it sad when people get pressured into having the kind of wedding they don't want?" With, as an example, the traditional wedding she didn't want.

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  45. I agree with you Jess. It's a WEDDING. It's supposed to DIFFERENT and BETTER than any other party you can ever hope to host. At least that's how we felt about it. Our wedding was very much about personalized tradition. The thing we really didn't want was a big sit-down dinner reception but my mother insisted. So we had a regular (dessert) reception, then opened presents at my parents and then went back to the church hall a few hours later for the sit-down dinner with close friends and family. Aside from spongy asparagus (ugh!) it was a great time and I'm glad we did it.

    We went to a wedding a few years ago where they had the reception first and really the whole Thing turned out to be such a circus. Hands down, the worst wedding we've ever been to.

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