I am a planner, what some might call a go-getter. If I decide that I want something to happen, I do everything in my power to make it happen. It's not so much optimism as it is dogged determination (some unfriendly people call it stubbornness or even worse, but I like to think of it as admirable tenacity).
I do not think that I'm a control freak--I have just enough of the laid-back about me to save me from turning into Monica from Friends. I know that my wedding will not be a paragon of perfect event execution, and I'm okay with that. I can deal with plans changing and I'm pretty flexible.
But if something is out of my control and it's something that I care desperately about, it drives me CRAZY that there isn't anything I can do about it. People who don't go after what they want make me insane with fury. People who shrug and dismiss losses as bad luck, or an inherent personality trait, make me seethe. I mean, I don't hate people who have a more laissez-faire attitude than I do, but I find it very difficult to comprehend, and I find it exceptionally infuriating when someone else's casual attitude affects my life in some way.
In Senegal, for example, many people are fans of the Arabic word inshallah, which means "God willing." On the one hand, I admire this attitude. It's relaxed, it's not too control freak, it's a nod to the fact that we can't determine the outcomes of everything in our lives. I appreciate that attitude. But I did not appreciate it when I was living in Senegal and inshallah was an excuse. "I'll have your grades sent back to your university early enough to make sure you pass into your senior year... inshallah." "I'll meet you at the agreed-upon time... inshallah." In other words, if I'm late, or I don't come through for you, don't blame me. It drove me NUTS.
Wow, this post has turned into some serious navel gazing. I actually had a POINT here, once upon a time, which is that I deal with not always being able to get what I want by obsessively planning for such a time when I WILL have what I want. I have to forcibly restrain myself from purchasing adorable little baby clothing (and sometimes I don't succeed). I started applying for jobs in December of my senior year of college. I went apartment hunting two full months before I was ready to move in. I peruse real estate listings even though I know it will be at least a year before we can buy a house. I make lists of things I want to remember, like oh, a house with a bay window would be nice, and email them to myself.
Unfortunately, sometimes those things aren't enough, and when I am impatiently waiting for something to happen, and know that it probably isn't going to happen for at least a little while longer, I have to find ways to keep myself occupied. And sometimes those methods involve shopping. Oops. But look how cute:
And one of the perks of this particular bout of one-click shopping? I have lost so much weight since last summer that I legitimately needed new summer clothes.
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