If you're ever looking to make a quick best friend, here's a little tip from a pro: tell him/her lots of secrets. Telling secrets is one the top 3 best ways to make and keep a friend.
Jess and I are recent blogofriends. Blogofriend stage 1 is comment on blogs. Blogofriend stage 2 is email each other about something non-blog related. Blogofriend stage 3 is talk on gchat all day. Blogofriend stage 4 is to use gchat to giggle about boys.
Jess and I recently reached stage 4. So of course we talked about virginity or lack thereof.
For my guest post today, I present to you the top 11 most frequent scenarios in which one loses their virginity:
scenario 1: Sit around waiting for perfect boy
scenario 2: Get bored of waiting for perfect boy, so date just some okay guy for a few weeks then figure heck, you might as well.
scenario 3: Select random play on your match.com profile
scenario 4: Hire somebody
scenario 5: Become a really expensive call girl (people pay big bucks for virgins, right?)
scenario 6: Get drunk at a party and hook up with a random
scenario 7: Get drunk with you best male friend then pretend it never happened
scenario 8: Get drunk with your best male friend after finally confessing your true feelings
scenario 9: Sober with your best male friend after finally confessing your true feelings
scenario 10: Sober with your best male friend then pretend it never happened
scenario 11: Wedding night
As much as I'd love to make a histogram with made up data for the frequency of each type of occurance, I've got a job to do here. And that is to assist anybody looking for advice on when/where/why to swipe their V card.
When making your decision about which scenario to pick, there are four main criteria. Each is weighted in brackets, based on how much that criterion should factor into your decision:
-non-awkwardness (Weight: 3) where 10 is not at all awkward is 1 is more awkward that last week's episode of the office
-hilarity (Weight: 2) where 1 is lame and 10 is that it would make the best blog post ever
-will it crush your heart? (Weight: 3) where 10 is no heart-crushing and 1 is you will never be happy again, probably
-takes too long (Weight: 1, Justification: I am patient) where 1 is quick and 10 is "I hope you have a good book to read"
I really like making decisions based on cold hard numbers, so a decision making matrix can seriously come in handy.
Non-awkward (3) | Hilarity (2) | |||
Scenario | Score | Points | Score | Points |
Wait for perfection | 9 | 27 | 4 | 8 |
Might as well | 5 | 15 | 4 | 8 |
Match.com | 2 | 6 | 9 | 18 |
Hire | 2 | 6 | 8 | 16 |
Be hired | 2 | 6 | 5 | 10 |
Random | 5 | 15 | 5 | 10 |
Drunk/ignore | 3 | 9 | 6 | 12 |
Drunk/confess | 6 | 18 | 4 | 8 |
Sober/confess | 9 | 27 | 3 | 6 |
Sober/ignore | 1 | 3 | 9 | 18 |
Wedding night | 5 | 15 | 3 | 6 |
Heart crushing? (3) | Time (1) | TOTAL | |||
Scenario | Score | Points | Score | Points | |
Wait for perfection | 10 | 30 | 2 | 2 | 67 |
Might as well | 5 | 15 | 8 | 8 | 46 |
Match.com | 1 | 3 | 10 | 10 | 37 |
Hire | 1 | 3 | 10 | 10 | 35 |
Be hired | 1 | 3 | ? | ? | |
Random | 2 | 6 | 8 | 8 | 39 |
Drunk/ignore | 2 | 6 | 8 | 8 | 35 |
Drunk/confess | 5 | 15 | 8 | 8 | 49 |
Sober/confess | 10 | 30 | 8 | 8 | 71 |
Sober/ignore | 1 | 3 | 8 | 8 | 32 |
Wedding night | 10 | 30 | 1 | 1 | 52 |
Sorry, I don't really know how one would go about becoming a prostitute (but feel free to leave a comment, should you have any insight!)
Anyway, as you can see, the clear winner is just straight up telling that best "friend" that you've been harboring feelings about. However, should you not have a best friend, this matrix should inform you that sitting around waiting is the second best option.
I sort of wish I came to a more hilarious conclusion (though I'll point out that ignoring last night is even worse that hiring somebody), but there you have it!
Feel free to fight my system and outcome in the comments!
you forgot prom night in a hotel Lisa - we've discussed this! ;)
ReplyDeletehmm... let's see, i was sort of going route #1; when that starting to take WAAAAY too long i went with #2. so: i started out with a really high quality approach, but got impatient, and ended up with only a 46-pointer. ALTHOUGH it should also be mentioned that i INITIALLY tried the sober/confess, and i was TURNED DOWN. oh no wait, i was drunk. and also i didn't confess my feelings so much as my desire to have sex. so, uh, nevermind.
ReplyDeleteGreat Guest Post!
ReplyDeleteI think my first time was a supposed to be #1, but in retrospect ended up being #2.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete@Michelle- I guess for some the prom night is a 1 and for some the prom night is a 2? (Or for some a 4?)
ReplyDelete@Alice- oh no, the turn down? Also, I think the sober/confess only happens in movies. People aren't that honest in real life.
@Rachel- THANKS!
@PoU- interesting insight... probs pretty common. That rascally retrospect.
I was going to point out that the sober/confess is only good if the other person is ok with it, but I see Alice has beat me to it.
ReplyDeleteI love this matrix.
I love this post. So funny!
ReplyDeleteI'd like to know how everything rates on future cringe-worthiness.
So I kind of didn't read this too closely before because I was too focused on making the spreadsheet look NOT WEIRD, but I like Scenario 8. Get drunk with male best friend (reduces the AWK).
ReplyDeleteWell done. :)
Wait for perfection gets second place?!? That is quite a challenging proposition... (Obviously, I didn't succeed in my quest to wait for perfection!)
ReplyDeleteWell, wait. Where's "with first steady boyfriend after a steadily increasing series of compromises about stopping point"?
ReplyDeleteVery amusing and food for thought too. I didn't have any male best friends so that wasn't an option.
ReplyDeleteI feel a little sad that I don't quite fit in a category.. sort of a 1.5.
ReplyDelete@-r- thanks!
ReplyDelete@nic - that fits into awkward
@steph- yeah but now everybody thinks I have a think for my male best friend. Now I can't link to this because he reads my blog (sometimes. Some friend)
@l-sass: does ANYBODY? we're all 1.5s probs.
@swistle HAHAHAHA! Yes! I missed that one!
@aurora, Yeah, I know, right? Bummer.
@PP: stop being such a misfit