Monday, March 3, 2008

Snot-free

When I am sick and congested and my head feels clogged, basically all I can do is lie in bed and whimper. However, Torsten has introduced me to the wonders of nasal spray and the way it clears your congestion for at least long enough for you to take one or two beautiful, deep breaths before the next river of snot comes pouring down your nose and throat and everything is shot to hell.

The problem with the nasal spray is that I am very bad at spraying or touching things in my own face, particularly eyes, nose, and ears. I would like to do it but I can never quite work up the nerve. And the nasal spray in particular is the worst because you have to breathe in a certain way while you spray and I am already stressed about spraying something IN my nose which reminds me of drowning and the additional worry of having to breathe a certain way WHILE creating a drowning sensation for myself? Well, really it's just too much.

But Torsten is a hero. Because not only did he teach me about the beauty of nasal spray. He also takes that bottle, sticks it up my nose, waits for me to breathe correctly, and sprays. And then he tells me how cute I am when I jump. Which I do. Every time.

He will be a good father, I think. Don't you agree?

Also, ever since he first gave me the nasal spray on Friday afternoon, I've been feeling much better. This was probably helped out by the over 30 hours of sleep I got this weekend. By last night, I was feeling alert enough to actually focus on the NBA game that we were watching. And that's when I learned that I am sexist.

Yes, I hate female sportscasters. And not just the cute blonde ones who do the fluff color pieces by standing in the aisle interviewing the 30-year season ticket holders and distant relatives of the players. I'm talking about what appears to be ESPN's newest basketball commentator, a woman who talks about how Carmelo Anthony has a smooth shot and Tracy McGrady has found his sweet spot. She's a color analyst, I think, but she is not a fluff coverer like most female sportscasters. You can tell because they didn't show her on camera, looking cute and sexy, and because her voice is relatively low. She is clearly intended to be Taken Seriously.

And while I'm all about women breaking into male-dominated fields? I wanted to smack her every time she talked. She just sounded like such a fake. Even though what she was saying was TOTALLY REASONABLE. I was the one being unreasonable. She had interesting analysis and if it had been a man saying those things, I barely would have noticed.

But it wasn't a man, it was this woman, and every time she spoke, I twitched with fury. Is it just me? Am I secretly filled with self-loathing? Or does this happen to any of you?

40 comments:

  1. That Torsten would be a good dad was exactly what I was thinking as I read that.

    A few weeks ago my son was in need of nasal spray. He didn't mind it a bit, and in fact requested that I also give some to his stuffed lizard, who was suffering from congestion as well. :)

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  2. I definitely understand people's resistance towards nasal spray but there is nothing better than finally being able to breathe-through both nostrils-after being clogged for so long. It's worth the brief unpleasantness.

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  3. I tried nasal spray for the first time this year and did not get the whole inhale as you spray memo, so it all just came dripping back out my nose. It helps me breathe, but only temporarily. Then I go back to suffering. Nasal spray, you evil temptress!

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  4. You found a keeper if Torsten is willing to shoot spray up your nose and hold your hand at the same time.

    Maybe your problem isn't the female commentators as much as being a fan of the NBA. Boo. Ha. I kid. Sort of.

    I, too, have the same aversion to female commentators in general. It's like they are forced to lose their femininity in order to be taken seriously, but who wants to listen to a woman with a man's voice? Just give me the man instead. Plus, male former basketball players are much cuter than female former basketball players. What's a girl to do!?

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  5. Torsten is a TOTAL SWEETHEART. ...Oh, maybe you already knew that.

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  6. If you get your doctor to prescribe that nasal spray that has steroids in it (can't think of the name just now), your nose doesn't clog right back up afterwards. It's magical stuff. Addictive (you can only use it for three days in a row), but magical.

    On the NBA commentator thing. Eh, who cares? So you don't like that one. That doesn't mean you'd hate ALL women in that role. Someday there will be one with a voice that DOESN'T grate on your last nerve.

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  7. I? can't do eyedrops. Scares the crap out of me. My husband has to hold my eyelids open.

    I also can't stand female sports commentators. I just can't wrap my head around them b/c I figure they have no idea what they're talking about.

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  8. Aww, Torsten took care of you this weekend while I took care sicky Mark.

    I feel the SAME WAY about female sportscasters, especially for football. I CANNOT STAND when they send a woman down on the field to report on the game. Football is a man's sport and I want to hear a man talk about it. Sexist or not, get rid of the chicks on the field!

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  9. i totally feel the same way too, and i don't know why. i feel like the women are poseurs, even when it's clear they know exactly what they're talking about. maybe it's just what we're used to?? i don't know :-P

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  10. I am still too much of a wuss to try that nasal spray. And supposedly it's great for kids, but shooting saline up my kids' nostrils? Waiting for them to breathe correctly (how can you TELL!)? It scares me!

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  11. He's gonna make an awesome father! But it sucks you're not feeling well. :(

    And the sports chick? Yeahhh, I'm not into sports, but I'd find it hard to take her seriously.

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  12. Definitely don't care for the female sportscasters. They've always bugged me.

    I'm terrible at receiving eardrops and eyedrops and have never tried nose spray. I can't even imagine. I hope you feel better soon!!

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  13. He PUTS STUFF UP YOUR NOSE FOR YOU? Definite keepah. Nice.

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  14. I'm totally allergic to nasal spray, and also? I hate female sportscasters, too. But that might have something to do with the fact that I just hate sports in general.

    :)

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  15. I could not live without nosespray, be careful it is addictive! I can't see my husband doing that for me - you lucky girl! PS - LOVE the dress!

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  16. You're one lucky girl! In our house, we divide and conquer. I take snot and other sickness related yuk. The husband deals with anything that involves blood.

    I don't really watch enough tv sports to have an opinion although I don't think I would like a female sportscaster. It would grate on my nerves. I enjoy watching sports in person but they always have male commentators.

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  17. I agree with Nilsa (and you): Torsten is a hero. He'll be a great dad!

    I may have to look into this nasal spray business: I'm feeling a little congested right and the thought of clear breathing sounds divine.

    I've always thought my sister would make a good sportcaster because she's really into sports generally and hockey and baseball in particular. She makes intelligent sounding (I don't really watch sports though) comments too. I bet if you heard her comment you wouldn't bat an eye!

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  18. Ok, that part about the nasal spray, breakhing correctly, etc? Yeah, that part... Still cleaning coffee off my monitor and keyboard. Too funny. Oh, and I back away from my own hand if it's going toward my nose with any kind of spray.

    Female commentators... you know, there are some voices that just make me blossom out in furry Og fury.

    Oh, and Torsten is wonderful.

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  19. I thought I was the only one who couldn't stand shooting things up my nose! I just can't do it!

    And women sportcasters? Oi. Mostly what I can't stand is when they go in the locker room. It's just.....I don't know...uncouth or something. I've never seen a guy in a girls' locker room. It's just wrong. Give people some privacy!

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  20. Torsten is so sweet. He is going to be so good with the babies.

    I don't have a thing against female sportscasters but I have a undying hatred for Dickie V. I was hoping that he wouldn't get his voice back after his surgery because I hate watching a game when he is the announcer. B tells me this makes me bad and mean but I don't care.

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  21. Isn't love grand? My coworkers and I had a long conversation the other week about popping back zits for significant others. Help with a pesky hard-to-reach pimple is one of the major advantages to being in a long-term relationship!

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  22. Oh no, you're sick too? I hope you feel better soon, glad the nasal spray helped. Kudos to Torsten to helping you out on that front.

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  23. That was so sweet of Torsten to spray the nasal spray up your nose for you.

    I kinda get annoyed by female sportscasters too. They are either the hot, ditzy eye-candy or they act like men. Can't we find a happy medium of being attractive and knowing what she's talking about?

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  24. I can't believe he shot that stuff in your nose for you. I agree, he'll be a great dad!

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  25. Snot face, Ha!

    I absolutely do that and I want to punch myself in the face everytime I think that way.

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  26. I'm so with you on the female sportscaster thing. I'm just not buying it. I'm horrible and sexist.

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  27. Yay for Torsten!! He will make an excellent dad. Hub has always been good for that stuff too, with me and the kids.

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  28. I hate female sports casters, hate them, stupidest fucking thing ever.
    they all sound like vapid twats.

    go back to commenting on soft ball you manicured ninny! get off my boyfriends ESPN.

    i should be ashamed of this.

    i'm not.

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  29. While we're getting the chick off the field, we should get her out of the boardroom and the courtroom and the surgery suite and Congress.

    In all seriousness, I wouldn't worry that one female sportscaster annoyed you. I find ALL of the Fox baseball sportscasters obnoxious.

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  30. Maybe you were a little delusional and still sick when you heard the woman sportscaster, no? LOl! Sometimes I am overly sensitive to such things when I'm sick. But I've never had such a reaction to woman sportcasters. Too Funny!

    Watch out for that nasal spray it gets addicting!

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  31. Um. I am very much with you when it comes to female sportscasters. *They* say it's supposed to appeal to the female group of sports watchers, but every girl sports watcher I know hates them. I really don't think they know what they're talking about half of the time. Teleprompters are great inventions, no?

    Your story about Torsten is too cute. What a great guy who would squirt nasal spray up your nose. :)

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  32. You're so lucky, he's definitely a keeper. You know that already :)

    Hope you are feeling better soon.

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  33. poor jess! feel better.

    keep torsten around. he sounds like a good one.

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  34. Yeah, I kind of feel the same way about female sportscasters.

    And I just realized that most of the bloggers I read are sick... I hope you feel better soon.

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  35. You are amazingly lucky and he will be an awesome father. Feel better soon.

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  36. i haaaate being clogged up! and there is this female radio sportscaster with a gravelly voice i can't stand! i know what you mean!

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  37. I just hate females on ESPN, no matter what. And It's not because I'm sexist. It's because, "GIRL! You're consorting with the ENEMY!"

    Mmhmm..It's a war. And boys are the enemy. (Apparently.)

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  38. I can't stand female sportscasters either and I work in radio. I think they are annoying...soo annoying.
    There is something about men and sports, they go hand in hand.

    There is a female on one of the local tv stations here in St. Louis and I can't even listen to her recap the sports stories.

    But...I hope people don't think of me like that when I am on the air, but I am not doing sports. I'd sound like an idiot.

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