Monday, January 14, 2008

Wedding dress shopping, volume 1

So, this weekend my sister and I went wedding dress shopping, which was the first time I'd done that except for a brief and ill-advised foray into David's Bridal with my friend Jill right after I got engaged.

The reason we went was because I found a beautiful dress online and wanted to see it in person. The salon had it, although not in a size that I could try on, but it fit my sister. It's really convenient for me that I have a sister, because she and I have the exact same body shape except that I'm much bigger. We both have small chests, small natural waists, and big hips and butts. So if something looks good on her, it's likely to look good on me too.

Anyway, she tried it on, and it was pretty, but--I don't know, just not exactly right. Also, I learned something tragic that was confirmed over the course of the day. I had been pretty much set on some sort of very nice off-the-shoulder style. I thought it would nicely show off my shoulders and upper chest area, which are good features of mine, and be a refreshing change from strapless like most people are doing these days.

However? They have a design flaw, which is that it's impossible to lift up your arms while wearing an off-the-shoulder wedding dress. It just can't be done. This was confirmed through the trying on of many, many dresses in that style during the day. Given how many people you'll be hugging on your wedding day, plus the fact that you might want to put your arms around your groom's neck while you're dancing or something... it's just not a good idea. Form does not outweigh function in this case.

So, my sister and I were at this bridal boutique, checking out the dresses, and I was collecting a huge pile of them to try on, many of them just because of a specific element that I liked, like a neckline. Most of them were in her size though a few were in mine. I didn't like any of the ones that I tried on, though, or most of the ones that she modeled--but there was this one that seemed pretty in the dressing room, so once we had tried on and rejected all the others, she put it on again and we went out into the main part of the store to look in the three-way mirror.

There is no picture of this dress online, and I can't figure out why not except that I think it might be a part of Maggie Sottero's Limited collection, which supposedly does not have photographs online. So let me describe it. It's strapless, with a sweetheart neckline but not a rounded one, so it doesn't look too girly. There's some simple, pearly beading at the neckline, and the bodice is ruched to the side. The top part is made out of satin, and it gathers to the side at the waist with a beaded, flower-type thing. Then the satin extends down to the knees over a full, subtly embroidered taffeta skirt that extends into a fairly big, but not overwhelmingly enormous, train. When the train bustles up for dancing, it bustles underneath the satin part, so that it doesn't look bustled--it just looks like a pretty dress without a train. Also, it was ivory. It's similar to this one, but prettier:


Let's briefly review what I was looking for when I came into the store: a white, off-the-shoulder dress that wasn't too big and had little to no train. What's that they say about how you never end up falling for the dress you think you'll like? Definitely true, at least in my case.

Anyway, the dress is gorgeous and totally made for a body like mine--emphasizes a small waist, covers big hips and butt, gathers to the side which makes you look smaller, is gorgeous without being overwhelming, is full but not so full that it makes you look like a cupcake or bigger than you actually are.

However. First of all, it costs more than I had budgeted for a dress, because I was thinking that I could get a dress for cheap at this big bridal discount store near my parents' house in North Carolina. Second, I can't try it on for myself, so even though it's available in my size, if I ordered it I would just have to hope to god that it looked good, because once it's ordered, there's no returning it. And that's an awfully expensive gamble.

But what am I supposed to do that? I know everyone talks about having that moment where you know, you just know that this dress is the one and everyone bursts into tears and so on. But how can I have that moment when the vast majority of sample dresses don't fit me? Can I just assume that because my sister and I have the same body type, if it looks like "the one" for her, it will be for me as well? How am I supposed to know?

It's so frustrating, because assuming Weight Watchers keeps going the way it's going, by the time the wedding is here I will fit into those sample sizes. But you have to order a wedding dress six months in advance, and in my case possibly more because it will probably need extensive alterations by the time it arrives. So I can't wait.

And that's another thing. What the hell size am I supposed to order it in? I've been losing 1-2 pounds a week every week since June. If anything, now that I'm on thyroid hormones, that should increase. I've dropped about two sizes, really two and a half, since I started WW. Which means that I should drop at least three sizes, possibly more, by my wedding. The woman at the bridal salon said that most wedding gowns can be altered up to two sizes down, which means that I can't order it more than two sizes too big. So really I should probably order it two sizes too small, but what if something happens, with my thyroid or something else, that makes me stop losing weight between now and then? Then I'll have a really expensive dress that I love that I don't fit into. And I'll have all this pressure to keep losing weight just so that I can fit into my damn dress.

Wedding dress shopping is supposed to be fun and easy and all about options. And I feel really restricted, because my options are so limited right now, but I have to do something soon because my wedding is only nine and a half months away.

The next step in the process is to go down to that bridal discount store with my sister and mother, try on a bunch of dresses, and see if I find one that I like as much as the one I found this weekend, because if I do, it'll be a lot cheaper. And then I suppose I'll just have to guess at my size, and if I stop losing weight, then... well, I don't know. Find a really good corset and a pair of Spanx, and not be able to breathe on my wedding day because I'm laced so tightly into my dress? Here's hoping it doesn't come to that.

47 comments:

  1. that has to be so frusterating for you. how do they expect you to pick a dress without even being able to see if you get that "this is the one" moment? damn their return policies!

    i hope you have better luck @ the discount store.

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  2. This is hard. I did not enjoy shopping for wedding dresses either, even though I did love the dress I ended up with. It does seem to be amazing what they can do with alterations though so I hope the sizing thing doesn't give you too much trouble.

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  3. That is so frustrating. Have you looked in to having a dressmaker make you a custom dress? If you want something on the simple side (e.g., not too much beading and embroidery) that might be an affordable option and they'd work with your exact body type.

    Also, as a fellow pear-shaped girl, you might try a halter dress. I think that's the best for showing off shoulders!

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  4. I have a sneaking suspicion that I know which bridal store you speak of in NC. They have some wonderful dresses and several gaudy ones too!

    Trust me you will know when you see it. And you don't have to try it on to know. My mother made my dress and I feel in love with the pattern! I didn't put that dress on until it was made. So there's a lot to be said for knowing by sight.!

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  5. I'm in a similar situation as you, and trust me, I feel your pain. I am probably going to find a style I like, and then go to the tailor my sister used to have her dress made. This is because a good tailor can do wonderful things and I hate, yes HATE bridal salons (any of them, all of them, cheap, expensive, whatever) so I would rather give my money to someone who cares.

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  6. Well that certainly leaves you in a quandry... It's been a long time since I tried on wedding dresses, so I guess I am sort of shocked that they only come in one size? That's a little bizzare, don't you think?

    Once you go to the specialist about your thyroid you should have a clearer understanding about what the meds will do for you, so write down all your questions and concerns and DO NOT leave the office until you have them answered. With that information you should be able to make a pretty good guess on what size to go with. Then you can go to the discount store and if you don't find anything you like and you still think that this one is 'the' dress then you go for it!

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  7. Ok. So when I went to buy my dress I was like NO strapless. And then the dress I fell in love with was strapless. SO, it's being altered to have a ribbon-like piece that comes around my neck like a halter.

    My point? If you find one that looks great on your body, see if it can be altered to the neckline you want. It often can!

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  8. I agree with Little Spoon: I feel you will know it when you see it, even if you don't try it on.

    Wedding dress sizes = frustrating no matter WHAT your size. I actually ordered mine in a size down, because I was pretty in between, but now there's all this pressure to make sure I fit in it. The bridal consultant actually said "ten pounds at least, ok?" when writing down the lower size. And I was all "sure! Yeah! I can do that and more!" and now I'm all "oh crap, can I do that?"

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  9. I can see how that's frustrating...I found one off the rack I liked. I tried on a bunch that I couldn't stand. I would be very hesitant to order one that I couldn't try on...

    Good luck!

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  10. From my personal experience, the right dress will find you...and you will know right then that you must have it. OK, at least that's how it worked for me. I saw it, tried it on and was in love. I did get mine from David's Bridal. If you have any questions I love talking about weddings and stuff!

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  11. Have you considered having a dress tailored? Then you can take all the things you love about each of the individual dresses and make it into something that's all yours? I hear it's not outrageously more expensive than buying one. Might be worth looking into.

    BTW, I'm right behind you ... I go dress shopping this weekend with my mom (flying in from out of town), my mother-in-law-to-be and my maid of honor. Agh!

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  12. I couldn't breathe in my wedding dress but breathing is over-rated.

    Whatever dress you choose, you will look beautiful.

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  13. I always envision shopping for a wedding dress and I think it's going to be this amazing day where everything will look great and I will have tons of gowns I love to choose from. But I know it won't be like that because of my body shape and the sheer number of dresses there are. It won't be fun until I find the one!

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  14. I don't know about the sizing issues, but I didn't have a OMG-everyone-starts-crying-because-this-is-the-perfect-dress moment. I found one I could afford that had everything I liked and that my mom didn't hate, and that was it. I ended up really loving it, so it was great.

    Also, it doesn't really take 6 months to get a dress, even though that's what everyone tells you. Maybe you could wait another month to get a better size estimate? I don't know. It's so hard!

    I do think the dress you described sounds gorgeous!

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  15. I didn't have any teary "perfect dress" moment, either. In fact, I had more of a "good god I HATE this process so we are going to do this once, only once, and I will just pick the dress I like best of the ones they bring me to try on" moment.

    I ended up really liking it, though.

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  16. Ok, I can testify on the off-the-shoulder thing. I LOVED my wedding dress, but I had horrific bruises on my arms where the straps laid from dancing and hugging folks.

    Also, I started thyroid homrmones about 6 months before my wedding. The altered my dress by about 3 sizes because I had lost close to 40 lbs by the time the final fitting came around.

    I bought a corset, but only so I could feel like Madonna.

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  17. Wedding Dress shopping can be soooo frustrating! And the off the shoulder, no moving arms debacle is no good. You have to be able to move your arm.

    My experience was that there was no "angels singing on high" moment. BUT, there was one dress that I just kept coming back to (which was the OPPOSITE of what I thought I wanted) and remembering in the back of my mind. I loved my choice and it turned out to be perfect for the style of wedding I wanted.

    Also, I had to have my dress taken in four inches on each side because I was also on the WW and lost a ton of weight between ordering the dress and the dress arriving - so it can be done! And I liked it better after the alterations because we changed a few things about the dress. Good luck on finding Your Dress.

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  18. Oh, geez. You are in such a pickle! Oh, I have no idea what advice to give...I am so sorry. But yay for finding a pretty dress! I do hope there is a way to get a dress you like that much!

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  19. Oh man, how frustrating! I'm sure it'll at work out by the wedding, but for now... I sympathize with you. :(

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  20. dont worry about the 'deadline'. you have plently of time right now. you will fall in love with a dress, and it will work out. and kudos on the 2 pounds a week weight loss, thats phenominal. dont set an unrealistic goal and kill yourself for the months leading up to the wedding. when you find THE dress, order it one size down and then go from there. this should not be a game of "how skinny can i be" but instead "how beautiful will i feel". i have faith! good luck honey

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  21. I know prom is way less special than a wedding but I'm not married so I only have advice based on my senior prom dress experience.

    I literally looked in a catalouge, picked out a dress, and called place. They ordered it... I guessed my size and when it came in it was SO small. Like i'm talking 4-5 inches too small.

    And you know what, they fixed it. In 1 hour. That lady worked miracles (after treating me like total shit for ordering the wrong size)...

    If the style is the one you KNOW looks great on you... go for it. I mean obviously look around some more b/c this is a pretty big thing... but trust your gut.

    Seamstresses can really work miracles!

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  22. I'm no help. First wedding was at a JOP office, no fancy dress. Second wedding was casual outside affair, no fancy dress. Third... no I'm kidding, I'm still married to the second (and last!!!!!!). :)

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  23. One of my best friends got married in September. She bought her dress online, had it tailored and still ended up hating it. Like, she cried when she saw it. She had felt so rushed to get a dress that she had bought one of the first she saw. Thankfully her husband was a gem and told her to go and get the dress that she wanted and to take all the time she needed. The dress she ended up getting was beautiful, and you could tell that she loved it. I can't imagine how frustrating this would be, so my fingers are crossed that you take your time with your dresses. You will find the perfect one- I just know it.

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  24. I have never had to look for a wedding dress but that does not sound like a good experience. I don't understand why places have sizes that are so limited. Yeah, money and costs and all that but still if they want people to know what they like they should have sizes for everyone.

    The dress in the picture is really pretty so I bet the one you like is absolutely gorgeous. I also think a tailor may be a good idea. I had a friend who did this and her dress was gorgeous. She actually lives in NC and it ended up being less expensive than the dress it was modeled on from the boutique.

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  25. I like the idea of getting it tailored to your specifics. The other thing is, my cousin is also on the heavier side, and she was able to try on multiple dresses in the plus size section. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this weekend's mega-bridal-store reveals some nice gooey stuff.

    On a side note, it's strange to me that people are wedding dress shopping. I'm not even remotely close to that point that it's sort of like reading into a different lifestyle. *shakes head*. Good luck!

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  26. I never had that perfect moment complete with teary eyed certainty that I had chosen the right dress. It was a trunk show, there was a discount, and I was sick of looking. And I loved my dress. The good thing about the larger chain stores is that they do have samples in a large variety of sizes- just something to consider. If nothing else, you could find a similar dress at David's or something and at least get an idea of how it looks on.

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  27. That WOULD be really frustating, I can't even imagine. I guess the only other option is sto wait for a few more months before looking for dresses.. but then I'd be wanting it done and done early on.

    Gah!

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  28. man. That would be really frustrating. They said it will take 6 months??
    When I ordered mine it took about 8 weeks, and I had a lady I knew make alterations after I lost about 20 lbs, which only took a week or so.
    I hope you're able to figure something out.
    SO stressful.!

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  29. Gosh! that must be so frustrating...You really should explore a little more, look into getting a dress custom made...and wait for a while and see how the whole thyroid treatment and weight watching affects you, so you know....

    all the best,

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  30. Wow, I've always thought shopping for a wedding dress would be the best bit of the whole wedding...

    Perhaps you should have a chat with your weight watchers person and ask for advice.. they'll probably know all about resonable expectations for weight loss, and about leveling out and stuff...

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  31. oh honey - this does not sound like an ideal situation at all. i'm so sorry! it must be very frustrating.

    why am i all of sudden wishing i knew how to make perfect wedding dresses at the drop of a hat so you wouldn't have to pick one 6 months in advance of the wedding but you could just call me up and say, "hi, i know exactly what i want, this is the size, and i need it tomorrow."

    the dress in that photo is very pretty. but whatever dress you choose, you are going to look beautiful. good luck in your search!

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  32. The dress is beautiful!!!
    I was gonna say the same thing as i sass, have someone make a replica of the dress.

    But I do think youll have a feeling about the dress when you see it. Just the content, "I dont need to keep searching anymore" feeling....

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  33. Oh man, that is a hard one to call. I'd definitely try on a few more dresses that are cheaper, just in case. If you just can't NOT get the other dress, then I say got for it.

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  34. This is too frustrating. TOO FRUSTRATING. And yet another reason why I vote for the small civil ceremony. Can buy dress day before! At mall! In current size and wear-again style! But this does you NO GOOD.

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  35. hahaha, I too went into the dress shopping thing thinking, "simple, unadorned," and I walked away with a huge ballgown dress with a train and beading galore. You can never tell what your inner bride wants until you're there.

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  36. So here I am, better late than never. I can imagine how frustrating this whole process must be. Can you just order a dress in your ideal size that you'll be at the wedding, then make sure you stick to that goal! How's that for motivation?!

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  37. I love that pic; and I really hope you find something fantastic for the big day!

    xox

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  38. Wow who would have thought wedding dress shopping could turn this frustrating? I am really into fashion. I even work in fashion but I hear this all the time. Hope you're soon to find the dress of your dream.

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  39. I love that dress! AND you do "just know". That's how it went for me. Actually my mom started to cry - it was a no-brainer. I had an off the shoulder thing and not only can you not raise your arms, it hurts. A LOT! Good call steering away from it!

    Oh and I'm pretty sure you can have the dress adjusted down quite a bit smaller so don't worry about that. I didn't order mine in time and had to buy off the rack. It was way big and was no prob to make it down.

    Congrats to you btw!

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  40. You have no idea how much this has depressed me. There's this part of me that is terrified that having a wedding would make me more insane regarding my body issues.

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  41. Well, I had two wedding ceremonies... the first one was in Vegas- a surprise for me! So I went to some bridal store to get a dress, and there was only one there that fit over my boobs and it was expensive and not really my style. I still regret that. I should have just gone to a department store and bought a pretty white dress - would have been way cheaper. The second ceremony was in Iceland a year later. So I actually had time to think and look. I went to countless bridal stores and found nothing I was willing to pay for. I ended up finding a gorgeous silk two piece embroidered cream dress that cost a fraction of the normal "wedding dress" prices. Best of all- since it was just a normal store they carried the dresses in lots of different sizes and I could try it on and buy it.

    So the point is (sorry about the essay) that you can find the right dress in an unexpected place.
    You'll find the dress, and you will look fabulous!

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  42. OMG. I know how you feel. I hated that I could hardly find any sample dresses to try on. On my first shopping expedition, my sister and I were so dejected that I thought about not even wearing a wedding dress!

    I actually waited 3 months before the wedding to help with the weight loss issue and paid about $50-$100 to "rush" the dress. I also ordered one size smaller. The alterations were done in 2 sessions. The last being the week of the wedding!

    It will work out and you will look beautiful! Keep us posted.

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  43. What a pain in the patootie. I have NO idea what I'd do knowing I might go down a few sizes by the time the day arrives.

    Just remember that fabulous looking clothing is all about alterations anyway, so even if the samples aren't working for you, a good seamstress will have no trouble making you feel like a princess.

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  44. if something happens and the dress doesnt fit, get married in your favorite jeans and a purple sweater and know you'll look gorgeous and we/he will all love it!

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  45. You know what's funny. When you mentioned the part about not lifting your arms, I immediately thought, how could she dance with her arms in the air. And then I realized I was probably the only drunken bride who did this and normal people worry about hugging and slow dancing.

    It will all work out and you'll be a gorgeous, beautiful bride.

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  46. The mere thought of shopping for dresses gave me the vapors. So I too fell in love with a pattern and my aunt made it for me and it was perfect. And can you really only alter 2 sizes? I had a bridesmaid dress altered, like, SIX sizes...

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  47. FYI: You can totally alter a wedding dress more than 2 sizes down...my gown was a sample that I had altered down about 6 sizes and you couldn't tell at all. Hope that helps in your decision :)

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