Monday, January 21, 2008

High-level whining

This weekend Torsten and I looked into buying tickets to Germany in April so that we can be there for his father's 60th birthday party. You know what sucks? April birthdays. International plane tickets cost so much during prime spring break season, and we can't get around it by traveling in the off-season when there's a birthday involved.

Anyway, there's going to be a big party with all of Torsten's extended family in attendance, so it will be the first (and possibly only--since they are all unlikely to make the trip over here for our wedding) time that I'll get to meet them all. Which means that I should probably, um, start back up with those German lessons that I've been neglecting. I can just see Torsten's scowl as he reads this, since he's been bugging me about practicing German for months. (Hi, sweetie!)

The thing is--and I know this is going to sound spoiled and ungrateful--that it's kind of frustrating to have to spend so much time and money going to Germany.

Okay, I'll just give you a minute to peel your eyes out of the back of your head from where they rolled when you saw me complaining about how much my life sucks, because, geez, I have to travel to Europe all the time and oh, WOE IS ME.

Seriously, though. I totally recognize that it's hard for Torsten's parents (though not terribly hard for him) to be so far away. They feel alienated and he's not very good at keeping in touch on a regular basis. And my parents live much closer, so it's much easier for us to just drive down for the weekend to see them. And when we do see them, it's less stressful precisely because we get to see them more often so there isn't as much need there, or a feeling like we have to cram as much visiting as possible into the time that we're together.

But I don't get that much time off at work. Actually, I get a generous four weeks. But when we go to Germany, it's usually a full five or six vacation days, just for that trip. Add in random personal days plus time off at the holidays, and suddenly that's eaten up most of my vacation time for the year. Plus, we went to Germany for 10 days only a couple months after I'd started my new job, so I am basically playing catch-up with my vacation days--and this trip in April is going to set me back to zero. Which means no more vacations from April to November, when we go on our honeymoon.

(I know. I KNOW. The poor dear has to save up all her vacation days at work so she can go on her honeymoon with the love of her life! This post is a real tearjerker.)

But the thing is that while these visits to Germany are necessary, and in many ways enjoyable--they're not really vacations. They aren't time to relax. The last one, at least, was incredibly stressful, and not just because of the unfortunate events that occurred while we were there. Part of it is that I don't speak the language, and part of it is that his family is just very different from mine and so I don't feel relaxed there, and part of it is that his mother is just a very nervous person and visiting her is about meeting her needs more than our own, so the trip isn't a break for us.

And also, plane tickets to Europe are expensive--this trip is going to cost us over $1,000 in plane tickets alone. And yeah, we're lucky that we have an affordable apartment and good jobs and the discretionary income to pay that money, but we aren't exactly rich and there are a lot of things we need to be saving for, like retirement and a down payment and all the rest. And because Germany is so far away, the trips are always long, because otherwise we'd spend more time traveling than we would actually at our destination.

And it makes me a little resentful to be spending so much, both in money and vacation days, to travel so far when we would both much prefer to be somewhere much closer to home and less expensive, just spending time together.

Lest I sound too spoiled, let's focus on the silver lining for a bit: I have an amazing fiancé to whom I can talk about anything, including this. It's not like this post will come as a shock to him, because he already knows that I struggle with these issues. And he's incredibly supportive and understanding about it. And for that, I am extremely lucky.

41 comments:

  1. I totally get this. Even though it's not, like, GERMANY, we spend TONS of money traveling to our respective homes every year. And it's about to get even MORE expensive now that AD will need her own seat.

    Nothing to be done I guess, especially since WE are the ones who choose to live here, but still. I feel your pain.

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  2. Ugh! I feel you. Except replace Germany with Texas and Lousianna. We have to go down for a wedding in April and I'm just not looking forward to it. But I have to go. These people came to our wedding with their 3 week old in tow. So I guess I shouldn't complain about alittle thing called alck of funds. :)

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  3. 4 weeks of vacation?! i am so jealous of you right now. right now i'm riding on 2 personal days until the beginning of april!

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  4. aw honey, i feel you. traveling and days off are a bitch, especially when you have to use them for things you dont neccessarily WANT to do. but there is always the silver lining, and you are traveling with Torsten and that's always fun- and i too will be hording vacation days until the honeymoon in september! i will be SO sick of work by then!

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  5. I completely get this, too. D's family is in Rhode Island and rarely come to North Carolina to see us, which means having to make the trip up there. Then we have to decide if we're going to drive or fly, but driving means we need two more days off work because each way is a whole day of driving. I couldn't even imagine having to plan all this around a trip to Europe! So I rule that you're totally justified in this post.

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  6. I, too, sorta got stuck on the four weeks vacation. I get TWO, and most of the time, I can't even take them because this place would fall apart without me. (Not bragging; it's just unfortunately the truth.) And I'll totally go to Europe for you, if you need someone to fill in. Just saying.

    :)

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  7. I understand what you mean. If you're constantly under pressure the whole time you're there, how can you really enjoy yourself.

    Do some shopping and drink lots of beer while you're there. That's my recommendation.

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  8. My Mom once told me (after a particularly hellacious trip to and from Costa Rica--I know, WAH) that the word "travel" actually means "work." And sometimes it truly is. Silver lining--you get to meet all of his family at the same time? Kinda like the killing three birds with one stone sorta thing. Although clearly no killing is taking place.

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  9. Although travel can be a huge annoyance (i once had a flight with a 30min layover and had to literally RUN from one end of Atlanta airport to the other we ended up arriving late and they were holding the plane for us), but I'm guessing years later you're gonna look back and enjoy all the time you spent with family. I'm learning as I get older- it's increasingly more important I get to know all of my relatives.

    But right now- I'm jealous of the 4wks vacay you get. ugghh!

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  10. I don't think this is particularly spoiled sounding. Yes, I'd love to have an excuse to go to Germany every year, but not if my in-laws were going to be there too! I can drive to my in-laws and I'm annoyed with going there sometimes. You have a generous vacation package (really, you do!) but not really if every year some of it is alloted to a stressful family trip, and from what I've read it doesn't sound like seeing your in-laws is exactly a guaranteed fun time. Not to mention the astronomical cost...

    Also, did you get the email? You won my prize!

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  11. DUDE! I completely and totally understand the pain. On every single one of those points.. and you know I've got family over there as well and we run into this issue every freakin year.

    Also? The U.S. needs to get with it and let us have more vacation time like they do in Europe.

    Stupids.

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  12. Although I've never been in a similar position; I can totally empathize. And I think that everyone should have more vacation days; it makes for more improved performance, or something, right?

    xox

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  13. I totally understand your feelings. Even if you can rationally understand why that money and time has to be spent, it doesn't make it easier to forgo the other things you'd like to use those resources for!

    I sometimes feel resentful that we have to go to every little family event for AS's family, whereas we only get to see my parents a couple times a year (and AS doesn't always join me because of plane tickets). I have to admit, I actively want us to raise our children closer to my parents than his! (Not that I even think his parents would be anything but a positive influence on our kids! They're just not MINE).

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  14. You most certainly are extremely lucky. And you're also human and allowed to have those feelings. Given his parents won't be moving closer and you're planning to live a long and healthy life with Torsten, you're going to have to find a compromise that works. Every X years you go to Germany. Every X years, his parents come here. You'll pinch pennies inbetween those trips - it's amazing how your life will come together!

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  15. I empathize, but I've never really experienced it myself. My in-laws are two hours away, and I'm very comfortable there. I've only had the flying expense to visit my dad, which WAS steep, considering it was my husband, myself and three kids with their own seats.

    Also, since I have no job, I can drive places, taking as much time as I want. I did that once with my two middle girls a couple years ago, and it was a wonderful and relaxing trip. I plan to do something similar this year with ALL four of my kids, visiting my dad somewhere along the way. Yes, I do these trips alone, since my husband DOES have a job, but he'll fly out to one of our destinations for a few days to make at least part of it a family event. The expense of hotel rooms can be costly, but I intersperse those nights with staying with family, so it doesn't get TOO nuts. I'm thinking this year's trip will probably be a 2-3 weeker.

    Oh, wait... this was supposed to be about YOU. ;) I don't think you sound spoiled or ungrateful; that's just how you feel. It's great that you can be honest with Torsten about it. And yet... it's just one of those things we have to just buck up and do to keep everyone happy... except yourself. Does kinda suck. :) But think of how happy you'll be when you get home again. Just focus on that.

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  16. I completely understand that going to see family is NOT VACATION. It is necessary on occasion, but it in no way shape or form represents vacation. TM and I always save at least part of a week of our vacation for us. To go somewhere together and alone.

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  17. I totally understand how this feels less like a vacation and more like work. It is the sort of trip that requires a vacation afterwards to recover.

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  18. Despite being a major pain in the ass, Germany sounds like I very cool place to be wasting your $ on. :) Wish I was going with you! (No, I'm not a crazed stalker, WHY DO YOU ASK?)

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  19. I hear you: travelling to visit family (no matter where they live, even if it's the most beautiful and tropical place on earth) is WORK.

    And stress.

    I hope you'll have some fun on the trip.

    (trying not to focus on the 4 weeks of vac)

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  20. Four weeks! i only get two...

    (just wanted to make you feel bad, cause i wanna go to germany, pout...no i dont wanna make you feel bad, but i would like your vacation time)

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  21. Good Lord, I just read your post about the last time you went and, umm, I wouldn't be too eager to go back either!

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  22. It is the best thing to have a significant other who supports the outpouring of our woes...even when said woes involve his family. phew! i'm just jealous that you get to talk about it on your blog! (my inlaws read mine....)

    i understand about traveling too....only when it's MY family, i don't seem to have trouble deciding to live on nexttonothing so we can pay off the plane tickets. :)

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  23. hahah i know the feeling. and the blog is the place to vent your real feelings! for sure. plus in the end you'll just have been happy to have gone - its all in the lead up to buying tix that you feel irritated!

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  24. I get it and I understand. I do hope that maybe there's a way to be there for Torsten's dad's b-day and for you two to have some down time closer to home.

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  25. I can identify. Visits to see the family are always hard, especially when it seems like they should be a vacation (hello, Germany! How cool!). But they're hard, too. At least you get to go with Torsten, right? That'll make it all worthwhile.

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  26. I'm still scooping out my eyes.

    Okay done.

    I'll agree with you just a little bit, and that is just because even though I love Germany (prefer Holland though), but yeah traveling to the same vacation again and again is not a vacation, just like living is Florida is not a lifelong get away.

    And yes the tickets are as expensive as ever. I paid over five thousand last year alone...which is a lot of money you know, I could have bought more shoes...

    now you can go and scoop out the eyes....

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  27. Oooh, I know this only too well.
    I'm not going to get stuck on your vacation package either, because in Australia the standard is to get 4 weeks a year of paid annual leave.
    My family live here but my husband's live in Toronto, Canada. Which is at the very cheapest non peak times over $2,000 per return ticket. We just don't go very often. If we do, my husband bribes me with a side trip - we've done LA and Orlando, next time it's Hawaii or Vancouver. Or maybe he can go on his own.
    I resent the expense, especially when none of hubby's family are interested in returning the favour and visiting us.

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  28. Egh, the money thing would get me the most. That is SO much money to spend on a mandatory trip as opposed to a vacation.

    (Also, you didn't whine too much in this post. Well-written. :)

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  29. One thing Paul and I have considered (and done) is to have ONLY HIM go to see his parents. I suspect this is not a disappointment for them---not that they dislike me, but just that I'm not their child, and things are "guest-ish" when I'm there, rather than "family-ish." It's not an issue now that we have FIVE KIDS and will NEVER TRAVEL AGAIN, but when we were on our own this was a good way to do MORE visits with FEWER dollars and vacation days.

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  30. I know what you mean exactly. I am supposed to be going to Spain and taking my grandma with me.

    I love her, but it isn't exactly going to be a vacation that a 21 year old would like. How can you leave your grandma and go party with friends?

    Maybe next year you can save up your vacation days and go somewhere you really want to go, oh, one can hope! :-)

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  31. Believe me honey, I totally understand what you're saying and I don't think you sound spoiled at all! Even my sister who spends some of her vacation days visiting her husbands family in Hawaii feels like it's not always a vacation! But, I guess, it's the things we do for love :)

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  32. i'm planning a europe trip...but in off season. its crazy how prices jack up in spring!!

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  33. The only German I know is "She lieb dich". Strange ticket prices to Europe are actually quite afforable for us. Unfortunately the living expenses are just too high.

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  34. I can understand why that would be frustrating - you poor thing! *hugs*

    It's not so much the trip, it's the whole hassle that comes with it. Hey, perhaps you can come to England for a pint while you're on your way? ;)

    Hopefully it all goes okay.

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  35. Could be worse. I've spent $1000 on my cat in less that 3 days. At least you get peanuts and a complimentary drink, right?

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  36. I totally get your point. On one hand you want to meet his family on the other hand it isn't really a vacation but rather stressful. Hope it'll still work out for you.

    As for the German lessons. I can help ya wenn Du gerne möchtest. ;o)

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  37. I get what you're saying about the whole mandatory vacation, and it probably does feel that way, but at the end of the day, you're still going to Germany.

    Europe is close enough in proximity that you can get in some good recreational places throughout your long trip. I don't think you're being ungrateful or spoiled, and I know you've traveled before and so have I, but it's still going to be a vacation to remember, even if it's not in the top destinations list. You've blogged about wanting to know his family better, and this is a good opportunity. Plus you can make it your own by going off a little bit.

    As for the monetary concerns, I'm assuming you'll be staying with family, so that will cut back on some costs, and I'm by no means a financial expert, but you're still very young, and have quite a long time to worry about retirement accounts. So have a good time, and enjoy your Not!Vacation.

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  38. dude, i TOTALLY GET THIS. and i know how hard it is to complain about it, because on the surface it's so "OMG YOU ARE FORCED TO GO TO EUROPE WITH YOUR FIANCE CRY ME A FREAKING RIVER." but... yeah. obviously it sucks less than, like, root canals, but i totally hear you. especially on how it's not a vacation, and how basically you just sort of have better things to do with your vacation days.

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  39. I hear your pain my dear- My in-laws all live in Denmark (and they are FU**ED up) and they do not/or cannot meet up with us so generally we spend a week running around like headless chickens and driving from one end of the country to the other. It is exhausting.
    I don't want to spend my hard earned vacation on that either- but you gotta do what you gotta do.

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  40. I only get 6 vacation days a year! Agh! I just got a new job, though, so I'll actually earn leave for once. Yay!

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